Fear

I feel strangely dull in these days. Everyday I try to do something, but the day is over when I noticed. I wonder I am repeating it everyday after I graduated a community college. My resume is almost finished; however, I have no idea what I should do next.

I graduated the community college and it came to an end. It has passed one and a half year since I came to the United States. I have just studied so I did not think about my future, but I could get ahead. I thought I would be able to do so after I graduated as well. However, I noticed my life did not move on and nothing was changed after I graduated. I need to take an action.

Of course quitting my job and coming to the U.S. were my decision, but I feel that job hunting is still far away from me - it is not real for me. I had worked for a company so job hunting is not new for me ... but it is long time ago. Besides, the second attempt should be done in the foreign country. I know I have job experience and it would work as an advantage for me comparing to other international students or even American students; therefore, I have some confidence. However, I also afraid that my confidence would collapse by sending my resume because job hunting in the U.S. is uncharted. I realized that job hunting was too hard (it was not even started, though). When I was in schools, all I need to consider was just studying. Now I can feel how easy going schools were comparing to my facing job hunting.

"I have to change this worrying situation somehow." I decided to move out my host family and live by myself. I thought, "Well, I can move on in this new place." But I then fled into my new life , especially cooking. Now I am facing my decreasing time and money and not trying to face my future. I do want to work, I really want a job, and I do have what I want to do ... but I do not know what I have to do. I suppose what I feel now is like kind of what N.E.E.T people feel ...

Basically, I put myself into a corner from outside and I forced and encouraged myself to think that I needed to take an action. But this time I have no idea how I should do. Finally, yesterday I convinced an idea by which I could drive myself into a corner although I do not know if it works.